The subtitle of Adair Lara's new book perfectly captures the essence of this
fiercely honest memoir: An Adolescence Survived. In HOLD ME CLOSE, LET ME GO
she candidly tells the story of her struggle in the face of every parents
worst nightmare --- an out of control teenager. Join Bookreporter.com writer
Melanie Okadigwe as she talks with Lara about the impact of the book's
publication on her daughter, advice she may have for parents dealing with a
problematic teen, and much more.
BRC: Did you like being a teenager? What were you like as a teenager?
AL: I did like being a teenager. I was pretty easy as a teenager, in the
sense that I went to school and got good grades, earned my own money, and
didn't scream at people. But I made the usual mistakes --- got pregnant at 16
and had to have one of the first legal abortions. And I was as willful as any
--- I married my boyfriend when I turned 18 in my senior year of high school
and finished high school living with him.
BRC: What's your column about?
AL:It's called a personal column --- I write about everyday life --- getting
rid of a couch that has turned mean, about trying to pass the kids off as
friends when renting an apartment, what happens when you discover your
husband has been giving you decaffeinated coffee for months without telling
you, raising teenagers, having an ex-husband living upstairs.
BRC: When did you decide that you were going to write for a living?
AL: I always wanted to be a writer. When I was little I wrote heroic dog
stories --- I was under the influence of Terhune.
BRC: What are some of your favorite books? Which writers inspire you?
AL: I am so inspired by THE LIARS' CLUB that in about ten tries I still
haven't managed to read it. I read three pages and then start feeling jumpy,
as if I should be writing instead of reading. I like Barry Unsworth, Penelope
Fitzgerald. Loved ANGELA'S ASHES. And the classics --- ANNA KARENINA, THE
HOUSE OF MIRTH. Right now I'm reading THE AMAZING ADVENTURES OF KAVALIER AND
CLAY by Michael Chabon.
BRC: You grew up in a large household. What was that like for you?
AL: YWhen you come from a large family, your siblings become much more
important. You kind of raise one another. Any food that came into the house
was devoured on the spot by the big kids, and we little kids snarled at the
edges of the feast, trying for at least a folded-over sandwich made of the
remnants of the egg salad.
To this day I keep a citadel of toilet paper in the bathroom, because I know
damn well no one will bring me any if I run out. I have stopped hiding treats
behind the milk, though. Think I just stopped that last year. When we were
little, we were like puppies, chewing on each others ears, all of us trying
to get to mom. Now I have six friends I can't lose.
BRC: I admire this book because it is so completely honest. You really let
your reader get to know you. I imagine the experience of writing this has
changed you, allowed you to live an even fuller life. What have you learned
through the experience of writing this book?
AL: I learned to write longer than 700 words! That was tough. I learned what
I knew before from writing a column --- how much you can trust strangers with
an intimate story, because people are essentially kind. I learned a lot about
myself as a mother --- how to let go of my image of myself as a perfect
mother and to let myself be a good-enough mother. And I learned that I can be
tough, if I have to be. And that some problems I can't solve, no matter how
clever and loving I am. I learned that when I was in the thick of it, feeling
most like a failure, crying in my bed at night --- that was when I was doing
my job as a mother. Not when I was succeeding. When I was trying.
BRC: You wrote a little about your daughter's reaction to the idea of you
writing this book. Could you tell us a little bit more about your family's
reaction while you were writing and also now that the book has been
published? Has your father read this book? What is/would have been his
reaction?
AL: My family is used to my writing about them. "That's just Dare," they
think, and go about their business. I have had various reactions since the
book was released. My husband Bill's mom has called to say that she never,
never made him get on his knees and say an Act of Contrition for making a
disrespectful remark about someone in church. He hasn't called her back. "Why
should I call up to get yelled at?" he says. My son Patrick said in an e-mail
that he should get some of the money from the book because if he hadn't been
so good, "your book would be a pile of psychotic scribblings." I should
mention that kids are grown up funny. My mother has been great --- she works
in a bookstore and offers to sign my book when people come in. She manages to
stay warmly supportive by not ever reading it.
BRC: What is your relationship with Morgan like now?
AL: Morgan and I get along
well. She's very funny, and the boyfriend she lives with, Trevor, is very
funny. Morgan and I have been touring with the book together a little, and
the interesting thing is that we are saying things to audiences that we've
needed to hear and say --- such as how hurt she still feels about having been
sent to live in Marin. It was an act of love and courage for her to let me
write this book. I think that when she settles down she'll be living down the
street from me.
BRC: Now that you've been through this trying period with your own daughter,
what advice do you have for parents on raising a teenager?
AL: I have lots of advice, but then other people had lots of advice for me
when I was in the middle of this. Trouble was, I found, it was hard to apply
the advice, because when you have a troubled --- and troubling --- teen you
are kind of nuts all the time --- you feel betrayed, scared, hurt, guilty.
You lose your confidence, your sense of humor. I did find that some things
worked:
1) Take them out of town. I would sometimes have to practically carry Morgan
to the car, but I found that as soon as I passed over the county line, she
would start turning back into my child. By the time we got to my mother's,
she'd be hanging over my chair or sitting in my lap. Car trips were great too
--- you can get so much said in the car, both of you facing forward, nobody
going anywhere, no phones ringing. Sometimes I think that everything of
importance that I learned about my kids, I learned in the car.
2) Pick your battles. I spent the whole first year using up my strength on
the tiniest of matters --- like how her room looked, and where she did her
homework. This is a hard one, though, because I suppose other parents would
say let her know early that you're in charge. But as I say, I was a little
nuts. I thought the mess in her room reflected her own internal state ---
everything thrown around, nothing being cared for. They say never get in a
power struggle with a teenager, and every time you set down a rule, you are
asking for a power struggle. So looking back I would have only a few rules
--- and only about the things that really mattered, like those affecting her
safety. I would not ground her. Grounding is just a power thing. Kids just
get mad and wait it out, and then go out again. It is nice to have them
around while they're grounded, though. There are no hard and fast rules here.
You try this thing and that, see what works with your child.
3) Find something you can do together. Raise a kitten, do a mural, take apart
a carburetor --- I wish I had done something like this. Get the two of you
focused on a third thing. Teenagers are generous and giving --- you can tap
them. Maybe get them to volunteer at a shelter.
4) I read "If you think something will improve your relationship with your
teenager, do it. If not, don't." This sounds as if whoever said it is out of
his tree, but it works! Or it did with Morgan's brother, anyway. If he said,
"I got locked out of my math class," I'd say, "That must have felt terrible."
I was always on his side, even when he was almost expelled from high school.
I was also much better at letting him experience consequences --- when I
found out he was smoking a lot of pot, I made him attend a Kaiser
after-school program. True, I didn't think that would improve my relationship
with him, but I hoped it would improve his relationship with pot, by ending
it. (It didn't.)
5) Find ways to praise them. Morgan was desperate to have me recognize her,
at 13, as a fully mature adult ready to make her own decisions. I couldn't do
that --- or at least I couldn't do it while she was sprinting through the
back window at night to find out what San Francisco was like at 2 a.m. ---
but I could have tried much harder to find ways to compliment her every day.
Mothers and daughters are mirrors for each other --- when you want to see how
you're doing, you look in your mirror. Morgan would look at me and see, too
often, a disappointing child. I would look at her and see, too often, an
inept mother. I needed people to tell me that I was doing well, I was doing
what I was supposed to be doing, and so did she.
BRC: What advice do you have for teenagers going through the emotional frenzy
that Morgan experienced?
AL: I guess I tell them to do what Morgan did --- hang in there, don't run
away, keep talking, writing notes, trying to reach your parents when they
seem unreachable. They are hurt and angry, maybe, and that makes them seem
different, but underneath the new rules and the yelling are the parents who
love you more than anything. Meet them halfway if you can. Don't go out and
not call --- that's just not fair. The best thing a teen can do for her
mother, of course, is to take care of herself so the mother doesn't have to
fall apart with worry. Saying "I can take care of myself" isn't enough if
you're saying that and still getting in cars with people who have been
drinking, or taking too many drugs under unsafe conditions, and letting
grades fall so far that your chances of college fade away.
Realize, too, that if you are a rebellious kid, raising hell, it's probably
because you know your parents love you, and because they are stable and
dependable themselves. Allow yourself to be grateful for that. Find ways to le
t them know you love them even when they're driving you crazy.
Oops, I just read that over, and realized my advice to teens is to take
better care of mom. So let me add, if you can't talk to your mom or dad, find
someone you can talk to, like a friend of your mom's, or an aunt. Let
somebody in --- an adult, someone who can be on your side and listen to you,
offer advice when you need it.
BRC: Are you working on any new writing projects?
AL: Yes, I'm working on a kind of prequel --- my childhood in Lagunitas ---
the two years when I was nine and ten, just before my dad left the family.
