Dini von Mueffling

BIO

Since graduating from Vassar College in 1988, Dini has been a freelance journalist in New York City. She cut her teeth as a copy girl at the New York Post, where she went on to write stories. After a stint at Reuters, she went on to write for numerous newspapers and magazines, including New York Newsday, New York Observer, Manhattan File, Hamptons, Glamour, Town and Country, Swing, Downtown Express and Flatiron, as well as produced news stories for WPIX Ð Channel 11. She currently has a manners column, "Dear Dini," in the NYC-based magazine Gotham. In 1992, Dini co-founded Love Heals, The Alison Gertz Foundation for AIDS Education with two other close friends of the late Alison Gertz, a well-known AIDS activist who was one of the first women to speak publicly about the story of her diagnosis with AIDS in 1988. Until 1997 she was the organization's executive director; and remains its president. In its nearly ten year history, Love Heals has directly reached over 100,000 young people and countless more through its programs. Dini is also the mother of a six-year-old daughter.

INTERVIEW

October 5, 2001

Think "lady," think "complicated coiffure" and "Chanel suits." In the age of the Hillary Clinton and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, such associations seem antiquated, if not a little insulting. In their charming new book THE ART AND POWER OF BEING A LADY, Dini Von Mueffling and Noelle Cleary set out to update our lady-lexicon, while also reminding us of the timeless virtues of grace and good humor. Join Bookreporter.com's Carol Fitzgerald as she chats with these two ladies about the impetus behind their book, our contemporary lady role-models, giving your car a tune-up and much more!

TBR: What experiences/events, if any, compelled you both to write this book? Were there certain people who inspired you?

NC: I'll let Dini field the first question, as she was the one who got the ball rolling after her friend told her she was "you know, a lady..."

DVM: I had the idea for this book because when I was 30 someone described me as a lady and I wasn't sure how to take it --- I am a highly independent, working, single mother. But he meant it as a compliment so I took pause and really thought about it. I decided that when I thought about other women I considered ladies (Madeleine Albright immediately came to mind, as did Christy Turlington), I was delighted to be in their company and realized that I tried to live my life similarly to how they did --- that is, with dignity and consideration for others, and a sense of humor, of course!

This was also around the time when Princess Diana and Jackie O died. I was struck by the huge outpouring of grief from the public and questioned what it was about these women that inspired such amazing expression. The answer was how generous they had been to others and how they inspired people with their compassion, grace and dignity --- all qualities of a lady.

NC: As far as ladies who inspired me to write this book, first and foremost, Oprah Winfrey. As far as I'm concerned, she has done more for the American population in the last few years than anyone else on the planet. On a more personal note, when my father was dying of cancer in 2000, I tuned in every day to her show for comfort and reassurance that I wasn't going through it alone. No one else on television could do that for me. (I can't tell you how many times I cried along with the guests and audience on her show... it's embarrassing!)

My second choice, and a VERY CLOSE second, is Audrey Hepburn --- gorgeous, gracious, humble, compassionate, courageous, selfless dignified... and, phew, what style!!!

TBR: What makes your definition of a lady different than that of, say, Letitia Baldrige?

NC: To put it as simply as possible, our modern lady might have a one night stand, curse on occasion, ask a man out, and even, God forbid, drink tea out of a mug. All facetiousness aside, being our kind of lady is less about toeing the line in terms of decorum and etiquette, more about paying attention to how her actions and words affect other people --- both proactively and reactively.

DVM: Not much. I think Letitia Baldrige and we agree on what makes a lady. Just because she comes from another era doesn't mean her timeless good sense is obsolete.

TBR: Do you really think that the word "lady," with all its historically stuffy connotations, has a place in today's world?

NC: The way we've fleshed it out, I think it does. What could be more empowering than taking what was once an elitist/exclusive term, and making it something all women can aspire to, regardless of race, religion, sexual orientation or class? We're breathing new life into something that desperately needed redefining. We were looking for a complimentary term to describe the women we admire, and there was "lady," covered in cobwebs and dust, neglected, and just begging for an overhaul. Which is what ART AND POWER is, really.

DVM: Absolutely. Indeed, it's been making an enormous resurgence lately. The Ladies of The View (the ABC Talk Show created by Barbara Walters). Queen Latifah called her autobiography of several years ago, LADIES FIRST. Avon Ladies are bigger than ever. These are three very diverse examples of usages of the word. And there's always the First Lady whose role has evolved with the times.

TBR: How did you conduct research for the book?

NC: We created an online survey of about 50 questions ranging from "Do you consider yourself a lady?" to "What would you do if you knew your friends significant other was cheating on her?" Nearly 200 women from all over the country (even Hawaii and Maine!) took the time to answer thoughtfully, honestly, and sometimes shockingly. We also interviewed some public figures like Candice Bergen, Julianna Margulies, Paula Zahn, Shoshanna Lonstein, Lesley Stahl, and Linda Stasi. And, of course, talked to each other every day for a couple of hours, whether it was via Instant Messenger, email, or phone.

DVM: We identified women in the public eye we considered ladies and read books and stories about them and interviewed them, in some cases.

TBR: What kind of women responded to your online survey?

DVM: All kinds, we're pleased to say. The demographic crosses all boundaries: age, career, race, marital status, geographic location and political affiliation.

NC: Teachers, postal workers, full-time mothers, retirees, CEOs, actresses, former welfare mothers, single mothers, college students, professors, administrators, and writers. Women ranging in age from 20 to 60-something. Lesbians, straight women, bisexual women... African American, Latina, Caucasian, Asian, and Middle Eastern.

TBR: What kind of negative feedback, if any, did you get about your book idea in the beginning?

NC: Truthfully, most of my friends that I told about it laughed at first. For most of my life I've been a pretty "liberal, feminist, noisemaker." I think because of that people who knew me were intrigued by the prospects for the book --- in a good way. However, some were more skeptical than others:

"I have lots of negative images associated with that term..."

"When I think of a 'lady,' I definitely think of the ancient, feminine stereotype: not swearing, being proper, always wearing stockings, etc. I think of myself as a low-maintenance, tomboy type, so it doesn't fit. The fact that I have tried (and liked) chewing tobacco doesn't help either."

"To me, the term lady has always conveyed the sense of dependence, submission and weakness, not to mention restrictions of behavior and thought."

I'd like to think we've addressed these sorts of (legitimate) concerns in the book. I think if people can get past to old-fashioned notion of lady, they'll really dig what we have to say.

DVM: Some friends thought we were trying to set back the feminist movement. On the contrary, feminists are often ladies and vice versa.

TBR: Has your behavior changed in light of things you discovered while writing this book?

DVM: Well, as co-authors of a book that prizes consideration of others and good manners, we're probably on our toes even more!

NC: I would have to say "yes." Working on the social responsibility chapter, especially, made me realize that I was very lucky and that I needed to be doing a little more to "give back." I also make more of an effort to be punctual and call people back within 24 hours. (Two things I've always been terrible about...)

I'm also working on eliminating curse words from my vocabulary (although not entirely because sometimes they have just the right affect). I've taken my cues from my British boyfriend and I've started using "bloody" as an expletive instead of the far less ladylike "f-word." This became a higher priority when I went to visit some friends in CT a few weeks back and found myself cursing in front of their six-year-old daughter. (I don't spend a lot of time around children...) I certainly don't want little Devin McBrayer to go to school and blurt out one of "Auntie Noelle's funny words" in her class...

TBR: Why should women read this book?

DVM: Women should read this book to remind themselves that there is a great power in being considerate of others, in having grace, dignity, style and a sense of humor. These are traits of a woman who has self-confidence without arrogance. She is a woman that others want to know and spend time with, who has an array of choices. We have spent a lot of time in recent years trying to be like aggressive men in order to get ahead. It isn't necessary. You can be aggressive, but with grace.

NC: Women should read this book because it's funny, thoughtful, inclusive, inspirational, and easy to understand. It's also a gentle reminder to take a deep breath and look around. Particularly in the wake of the WTC disaster, people are coming to the realization that there's more to life than "keeping up with the Joneses" or "dying with the most toys."

TBR: Are there any women that you wish you could add to your list in retrospect (for whatever reason)? Are there any women that you think people might be shocked to find on your list?

NC: There are so many women that we would have liked to include, in retrospect. The difficultly really lies in the fact that we don't know that many public figures. So we're basing our choices on their public persona. (Which may or may not reflect reality...) But the first name that comes to mind for me is Mavis Leno. Her campaign on behalf of Afghani women under Taliban rule has educated us, pissed us off, and begun a crusade among women all over the world. My hat goes off to her. Another might be Mother Theresa... I'm not that concerned with "naming names," but those are two that immediately come to mind. And, of course, my mother. :)

I think we respond to celebrities in large part because we may or may not identify with them in some small way. I think it's a lot easier for people to find fault with celebs because we have so much gossip fodder to work with. And of course, we are a little jealous of their glamorous lifestyles.

Back to top.

© Copyright 1996-2008, Bookreporter.com. All rights reserved.