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THE MEN I DIDN'T MARRY by Lynn Schnurnberger, Janice Kaplan
On Sale: April 25, 2006
Hardcover
304 pages
ISBN-10: 0345491181
ISBN-13: 9780345491183
The authors of the national bestsellers Mine Are Spectacular! and The Botox Diaries apply their trademark wit and wisdom to another delicious read. Join Hallie Lawrence Pierpont as she's whisked away on a journey into her past love life that leads to her future.
Hallie's husband, Bill, doesn't even wait until they get home from dropping off their youngest daughter at Yale to announce that he's leaving-for fitness trainer Ashlee (two e's, perky breasts, and shiny hair to boot). After first succumbing to an Oreo-induced coma, Hallie is determined to get her life back. An unexpected call from an old college boyfriend sets a plan in motion. Whatever happened to all those men she didn't marry?
First up is Eric, now an international businessman and number 277 on Forbes's "Richest People in the World" list. He and Hallie used to put a nickel in the piggy bank every time they made love. Now Eric would like to renew the investment. Next she finds Rav Jon Yoma Maharishi-formerly known as Barry. Her onetime backpacking boyfriend has become the spiritual leader at the Heavenly Spirit Retreat Center, and their reunion would be a little smoother if he weren't in the midst of a three-day silent meditation. Kevin, the sexiest man she ever met, is now a scuba-diving photographer working on Angelina Jolie's latest movie. When he seduces her into joining him at his beachfront paradise on Virgin Gorda, Hallie can overlook his gaggle of bikini-clad friends, but can a woman survive on a steady diet of sex, sharks, and air tanks?
Back at home with her best friend, Bellini Baxter, Hallie visits an all-night spray-tanning salon and Soho's legendary Cellulite Exorcist, whose secret weapon looks suspiciously like an Oreck vacuum cleaner. Hallie's college-age children are protective of their mom but embarrassed to have her back in teenage territory-the world of dating and condoms. Finally, Hallie confronts the great love she swore she'd never see again and resolves an old family secret.
Janice Kaplan and Lynn Schnurnberger tell a heartfelt and hilarious story about moving forward by looking back. By turns poignant and laugh-aloud funny, this is a must read for every woman who's ever wondered about the men she didn't marry.
Mine Are Spectacular!
"A novel so delicious readers might feel compelled to diet after devouring it . . . a hilarious hit."
-People (four-star review)
"[The authors] are deservedly renowned for their ability to document the social habits and favorite trends of wealthy women."
-Chicago Sun-Times
"Makes Wisteria Lane look like Sesame Street."
-New Jersey Life
The Botox Diaries
"This summer's must-have beach read!"
-ABC's The View
"[A] midlife-crisis bonbon, which should be sold with fuzzy slippers and a tube of cucumber eye gel."
-The New York Times Book Review
"Fast-paced and with zingers on every page."
-The Washington Post
"A sexy romp . . . which leads [its characters] charmingly back to the basics of being best friends."
-Elle
Between them, Janice Kaplan and Lynn Schnurnberger have lived in three countries, raised three children, and published nine books-including the bestselling novels Mine Are Spectacular!, The Botox Diaries and THE MEN I DIDN'T MARRY.
They've produced hundreds of hours of network television shows and written articles for just about every women's magazine in America. Both have appeared frequently on television shows including Oprah, Today, the CBS Early Show, and Entertainment Tonight. Janice and Lynn are also popular speakers at events around the country. Their uplifting and very funny talk about the challenges, opportunities, and adventures open to women over forty have inspired and delighted audiences.
Janice is senior adviser to Parade magazine, the most widely-read publication in America. She has created popular prime-time television specials for FOX, ABC, VH1 and other networks, and was executive producer of the TV Guide Television Group and deputy editor of TV Guide magazine. A former producer at Good Morning America, Janice began her career as a sports reporter for CBS Radio. She is a magna cum laude graduate of Yale and lives in Westchester, New York with her husband and two sons.
Lynn started her career as a painter and her work is included in international collections, including the Museum of Modern Art. She is the author of the acclaimed Let There Be Clothes: 40, 000 years of Fashion and two award-winning Off-Broadway plays for children. Lynn is also the founder of a Foster Pride, which offers art classes and mentoring to children in the New York City foster care system. She lives in Westchester, New York with her husband and fourteen-year-old daughter.
Some boyfriends you never forget: the first boy you ever kissed, the one you could never call, the one who got away, the one who left you for someone else. Every woman has a list of men they didn't marry --- men they'll "never forget." Even if the man you didn't marry was named Jean-Paul, "very sexy, very French, very rich," don't worry. "Life goes on. A lot of fish in the sea." The fish in the sea are no longer "butchers, bakers and candlestick makers." A 21st century woman's list of boyfriends includes billionaires, bad boys and blind dates. What would it be like to reconnect with your old boyfriends and lovers? Bold, daring, provocative and quite possibly the best decision of your life.
After leaving youngest child Emily at Yale for her first semester, Hallie and Bill walk away proud parents. Hallie has every reason to believe her empty nest will now become a love nest --- until Bill shatters her romantic dreams and plans and their 21-year marriage by suddenly announcing that "it's time for my second act." It's no surprise that Bill's second act includes Ashlee: blond, young, a personal trainer with a "perfect body."
Hallie's first thought after being dumped is "you'll be alone, you'll be alone." "Leave him in the dust and move on," I almost shouted aloud. Authors Janice Kaplan and Lynn Schnurnberger proved they were on my wavelength when best friend Bellini Baxter arrives in her Manolos and offers Hallie this divine inspiration. "Here. Try these. Chanel sunglasses. I love the shape and Coco's an inspiration to single women everywhere. Her lover dumped her --- and she went on to create her zillion-dollar company."
Hallie rebounds by deciding to pursue the men she didn't marry. Her little Beach Blanket Bingo (1965) party begins with college boyfriend and first lover Eric Richmond, now a billionaire --- number 277 on Forbes's list of richest men. Married three times, chauffeur and PJ (private jet) lifestyle, his job is his "mistress." The chemistry is still good, but not quite the same. The new identity of former boyfriend Barry Stern, Rav Jon Yoma Maharishi, would make most women run in the opposite direction, but Hallie reconnects with Maharishi and realizes, "Somewhere deep down I always knew he wasn't the man to marry."
Why is it that the playboy of the Caribbean is always the man who makes the second time around even better? The Brigitte Bardot moments in THE MEN I DIDN'T MARRY begin with Kevin Talbert, Hallie's "bad boy" high school boyfriend and first kiss, now an underwater photographer in Virgin Gorda working on Angelina Jolie's new movie. Baring her cellulite-free thighs, courtesy of a humorous trip with Bellini to Soho's famed Cellulite Exorcist, Hallie flies to the sunny beaches, pink stucco cottages and azure blue waters of Virgin Gorda for her first solo Thanksgiving holiday and to reconnect with Kevin.
One look at Kevin's deep tan, sun-streaked blond hair, broad shoulders and muscular arms, and Hallie is just as dazzled as she was in high school. Kevin introduces Hallie to "island time." The excitement of reconnecting with a lost love is brought to life perfectly through Hallie's determination to "go for what I want." Even though Hallie is not the "topless type," she boldly bares her breasts for Kevin ala MINE ARE SPECTACULAR!, the second novel by Kaplan and Schnurnberger, following their first midlife adventure THE BOTOX DIARIES.
Hallie's island freedom is intoxicating and the trysts on the beach, island parties, salsa dancing and Kevin's frat party friends are too good to leave. The sex is "extraordinaire" and Hallie abandons her world and moves into Kevin's temptation island paradise. All too soon, Hallie is forced to return to reality, her family and her job. Hallie and Emily share some all-important mother-daughter talks about men, especially "making the most of the time we have." Bill thinks he can stop by anytime for a little rendezvous, but Hallie sends him packing. The authors know that women love a man who pursues a woman with passion, and Kevin soon follows Hallie to Manhattan only to face the reality that love is not always enough.
Always remember, when your lover leaves you, you still have your best friend. Bellini, head accessories buyer for Bendel's store on Fifth Avenue in New York, is the "peach" of this summer cocktail. She is there to console, advise and pamper Hallie, and host the most creative event to meet new men, BYOB --- Bring Your Old Boyfriend. "You show up with an ex --- and then we can all trade." This concept was perfectly placed and provided a unique "wow factor" ending that leaves the reader with the promises of moving forward with a new man.
Janice Kaplan and Lynn Schnurnberger totally capture the concept that getting older is getting better. "It doesn't matter how old you are anymore. We're a generation of women without limits. You just have to stay receptive." The novel reaffirms that the men we meet and date in our lives all have a part in making us "who we are." They make us feel "pretty and witty and bright." Hallie looked back to move forward and through reconnecting with an old boyfriend she meets her future boyfriend, unexpectedly. And that is the best part of life --- the surprises.
The timing is not always right for love, but the timing is always right for adventure. Your old boyfriend is someone else's "bad boy." Bad boys are always high on the list of THE MEN I DIDN'T MARRY, but oh what memories!
--- Reviewed by Hillary Wagy
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What was it like to write THE MEN I DIDN'T MARRY after the success of your first two collaborations, "The Botox Diaries" and "Mine Are Spectacular!"
Our book tours have been great since they gave us the chance to talk to women all across the country. We met women of all ages who were leading exciting lives and getting started on new careers or marriages. That sense of new possibility at any age is what we've tried to capture in our books.
Like the heroines of your previous two books, Hallie is in her early forties. Is there a message there?
Absolutely! People always talk about doors closing as you get older, but we've been struck how doors can open. All the good things about getting older-that you have more confidence, more wisdom, and a real sense of who you-really do make the forties a time for new possibilities and new adventures.
Hallie has a longtime marriage and two kids in college while her best friend Bellini has never been married. But their friendship seems very believable. Why do you think it works so well?
We're constantly struck by the many options women have in their lives. They get married early or late, they work in high-powered careers or stay home with children. We see it in our own lives-friends of the same age find themselves at completely different stages. One may be having a baby when the other is sending her baby off to college. There's a richness to sharing those different experiences that enriches everyone's life. Bellini and Hallie can confide in each other. They don't have to be the same person.
THE MEN I DIDN'T MARRY is a provocative title. What did you have in mind?
Every woman who hears the title immediately smiles and knows what it means. No matter how happy you are in your marriage, there's always the guy who might-have-been. Maybe you dated in college or even high school, but from time to time you wonder about the life you would have led if you'd stayed together.
Is he the man you wished you'd married?
He's more like the alternate reality. For example, our heroine Hallie dated a guy named Eric who eventually became a billionaire. Hallie would often think that if she'd stayed with him, she'd be taking trips around the world and staying at fancy hotels. It's a nice daydream--but when she has the chance to connect with him again, she realizes all the reasons she left in the first place.
Isn't it dangerous to think about past loves?
More likely, it just adds a frisson of excitement to your life. And if you do see each other, you fall into the pattern of old friends, reminiscing. Sometimes connecting with an old flame is less about him than about remembering what you were like way back when. And for Hallie, it's not a problem at all-because she decides to find her old loves only after her husband has left her.
Does looking up an old love ever lead to a renewed relationship?
People often tell us about hearing from an old flame many years after they dated, after both of them have married others and then divorced. In that case, it often is easy to fall into the old loving relationship. And we even know cases where couples married twenty or thirty years after that first date.
Have either of you ever heard from an old flame?
We're expecting to hear from a lot of them after the book comes out! Seriously, each of us has stayed friends with a number of our old beaus. If you cared about somebody once, it's nice that they can in some way stay in your life. However, we'd like to make it clear that all the men in the book are fictional.
Hallie's husband leaves precipitously, the day they drop their daughter off at college. Why did you set it up that way?
Bringing a child to college tends to be one of the more traumatic times in a parent's life. People talk about the "empty nest" but for this generation, the children's leaving is particularly difficult. Women who've read the book tell us we've hit on their worst fear! Having kids in college definitely sends many men into their mid-life crisis. And like Hallie's husband Bill, they sometimes respond badly.
It's not clear for much of the book whether Hallie and Bill will get back together.
He's behaved badly, but they're still a family. They're proud of their kids and the years they've had together. Life and love are never black-and-white, and we try to make that clear. One man in the book who Hallie has hated for years turns out not to be so bad when she confronts him again.
Writing is usually a very solitary activity. How did you do it together?
We sat in a room side-by-side and wrote every word together. We found it was actually more fun to work as a team. We'd toss out ideas and lines to each other, and urge each other on to make every joke funnier. It's much like the way a sit-com gets written-you try things out on each other and keep honing the ideas until they're sharp and funny. We're tough on each other and every page has to pass the wrinkle-your-nose test. If one of us isn't excited by a line, it's gone.
Did you ever fight?
We got along frighteningly well on the first two books, and even better on this one. We've learned how to cheer each other on. You can't have a bad day when you know your partner is relying on you to be funny. When we write, we spend a lot of time together laughing. We hope that people reading the book feel like they're in the room with us, sharing the joke.
The characters in your book talk about sex a lot-and there are some great sex scenes. Do your husbands approve?
Women do talk about sex a lot-probably more than men, ironically enough. And we've discovered (happily!) that being a little older can make sex all the better. As for our husbands, they know the book is fiction, so they took it all lightheartedly. And of course everything we know about great sex, we learned from them.
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Chapter One
My husband doesn't even wait until we're in the car to drop his bombshell.
We've just brought our daughter--the brilliant, beautiful, and beloved Emily--to her first day at Yale. I've met her roommate, unpacked her duffels, and made the bed with the soft sheets we got during our four-hour precollege shopping marathon at Bed Bath & Beyond. Okay, I didn't really use the sheets Emily and I bought together. I picked up a better set at the exclusive Frette store on Madison Avenue to surprise her. The girl got into Yale, darn it; she shouldn't sleep on anything less than 600-count sateen.
Bill, the ever-doting father, jokes around with Emily while he sets up her computer and assembles a bookshelf next to her desk. As long as we're both puttering at our little tasks, we can put off the emotional breakdown, sure to come the second we leave Emily behind and head back to our now very quiet house. Emily kisses her dad to thank him for his help, gives me a big hug, and then promises us she'll be okay. Our cue to leave. With less surety, I say we'll be okay, too. Now that our second child has officially become a college student, just like her big brother, Adam, our empty nest couldn't get any emptier.
On the way out of the dorm, we pass the freshman counselor's "Welcome" table, stacked high with campus maps, orientation bulletins, and two bowls, one filled with Tootsie Roll pops and the other with condoms. Bad idea to offer all that candy--too easy to gain the freshman fifteen. And, oh my god, that other bowl, brimming with ribbed, rainbow-colored, and glow-in-the-dark protection. Should I warn Emily to steer clear of any boy who reaches for the Star Wars condoms?
Bill and I step outside and I grab onto his arm and take a deep breath. I've been dreading this day since the first morning I left Emily off at preschool, but we seem to have made it through.
"I think we did fine, honey," I say, proud that I haven't cried once.
"We sure did. We raised a great kid," he says, distractedly patting my hand.
He's right. Both of us were young when we started our family, but we raised two terrific kids and had fun being parents. But now's the time for Bill and me to have new adventures together. I've planned a wine-tasting weekend, a romantic getaway to a four-star Vermont inn, and I've even snagged season tickets to the Knicks. Knowing this day would come, I'd been on the waiting list to get them for six years.
I look over at my successful stockbroker husband. He's always been handsome, but I realize he's in better shape than ever. The love handles are gone, and so are the muffin tops--the new bakery euphemism for that extra roll of flesh that hangs over the elastic band of your briefs. His abs could make the cover of Men's Health--well, an inside page, anyway. And wait a minute, what happened to the wisps of gray hair that were appearing at his temples? I reach over, gently rub his now very dark brown sideburns and giggle to myself. I can't really imagine Bill using Grecian Formula, but he's done something. Maybe after all these years, my honey does have a secret or two.
"So, darling, our first night, just us," I say squeezing his strong arm even tighter. "What's your pleasure? The little Ethiopian restaurant in New Haven, or should we get home right away and I'll slip into something comfortable?" I lean over to kiss his cheek, but Bill has picked up his pace, and I just miss.
"Hallie, I have something to tell you," Bill says. He keeps walking, looking straight ahead.
Uh-oh. Bad opening line. I stumble, my heel catching on the pavement. "I have something to tell you" never comes before "I love you passionately," or even, "I've always liked your pot roast." No, "I've something to tell you" usually precedes bad news like, "The cat died," or "The house just burned down." Or in this case?
"I'm leaving," Bill says without breaking stride.
He's what? I mull the words in my head for a moment. Surely if "leaving" meant leaving for good, my husband, my mate, my partner of two decades, the man who made love to me just three nights ago--or was it four?--would have sat me down before breaking the news. My Bill, my sweet Bill, would even have bought me a cup of coffee first.
Unless he's no longer my sweet Bill.
Leaving.
Time stops and I stand frozen. For a moment, the whole world goes silent and the only sound I hear is a bird off in the distance, with a persistent, mournful call: You'll be alone you'll be alone you'll be alone.
But I can't even think about that possibility. Anyway, what does a bird know? I pull my attention back and try to misunderstand Bill's comment the best I can. "Fine, we'll leave New Haven and go home for dinner," I say. Then, prattling on, I add, "I can defrost some lasagna or whip up an omelet. I have some brie. You like a brie omelet, don't you, honey?"
Bill finally stops walking and turns toward me. "What I mean is I'm leaving you." He pauses and looks at me with what I'm sure he thinks is a kind smile. "We've had a good run. A darn good twenty-one years together in a happy marriage. You're a great gal, Hallie. I have no complaints. But it's time for my second act."
What is he talking about? His second act? Even Mike Nichols couldn't get away with that. This sounds like a speech he's been practicing in front of the mirror for days. But the show's not over. It can't be. He's not leaving. I take a deep breath. I bet I even know what's going on. Just like me, Bill's upset about Emily's going off to college and he doesn't know how to react. In fact, he's a guy. He doesn't even know that he is reacting. It's my job to reassure him.
"Listen, honey, we're going to be okay," I say gently. "I love you. You love me. I got season tickets to the Knicks--just like you always wanted. We don't need the kids at home to keep us together."
He doesn't reply, so to fill in the space, I keep talking. "I'm thinking of taking a pottery class."
Bill looks at me oddly for a moment, and then he nods. "That's great, Hallie. I'm glad you've got plans. I've made some plans, too."
We get to the car and I slide into my usual seat on the passenger's side. I start to put in the CD of the St. Lawrence Quartet playing Hayden that's always been one of Bill's favorites, but he takes it out immediately and replaces Hayden with something loud and blaring.
"What the heck is that?" I ask.
"Black Eyed Peas," he says, proudly. "My new favorite. They're very hot, way up on the charts."
I turn down the volume, but my head continues pounding. Who's this rap-music-listening Grecian Formula-using man sitting next to me? All these years, I thought I knew every detail about my husband but something changed while I was busy working, raising the kids, and buying him shirts at Brooks Brothers. I suddenly feel like a fool. What else have I missed?
The next hour and a half passes in a haze as we speed down the narrow Merritt Parkway toward the suburbs of New York. Given all the twisty turns, I don't know how anybody survives on this road and, right now, I'm not sure I want to. With the kids gone and Bill leaving, what's left? I stare out the window, seeing only my dismal future, and barely notice that we've missed the exit for our small town, Chaddick, until we pass over the bridge into Manhattan.
"Where are we going?" I ask.
Bill doesn't answer, but his mouth is set and his brow is clenched so tightly that his two eyebrows join in a solid line. One thing I do still know about my husband--the caterpillar brow means something's up. Moments later Bill pulls over in front of a brownstone on a residential block in the West Nineties and stops the car, double-parked. He leans over and gives me a nervous peck on the cheek, then hands me the car keys.
"You know how to get home, sweetheart," he says, feigning nonchalance. And as if nothing has changed, he adds, "Drive carefully. It looked like there was a backup north on the Henry Hudson, so you might want to take Riverside Drive."
My mouth opens but nothing comes out. "You're not coming home?" I finally manage to sputter. "Where are we?"
"My new apartment," Bill says, gesturing toward the limestone stoop. Anxious to make a getaway, he gets out of the car and retrieves a duffel bag I hadn't noticed from the backseat.
"You have an apartment?" I ask, dumbfounded.
"Actually, it's not just mine" he says. He bolts up the steps to his new front door, and when he gets there, he turns and adds, "It's Ashlee's apartment. Ashlee, with two E's."
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
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